The Influence of Family

There’s a reason why the old saying, “When you marry someone, you marry their family,” is a common phrase. Whether you’re dating, engaged, or married, if you’re in a serious relationship, your union doesn’t just involve you and your partner, but also your significant other’s parents, siblings, and even extended family members. From going on an annual summer trip with your partner’s side of the family to spending Thanksgiving at your in-laws’ house, there’s no denying that your loved one’s relatives are a big part of your life, and thus, they have a significant impact on your relationship—for better or for worse. Plus, your partner’s family likely has a lot of influence over your loved one’s beliefs, behaviors, and decisions, which can either enhance or impede a relationship, according to licensed psychotherapist Dr. Margo Lewis-Jah.

Dealing with Difficult Relatives

If you’re romantically involved with someone whose family falls on the more difficult end of the spectrum, whether it’s a judgmental mother who constantly criticizes your career or an overbearing father who controls your partner’s financial decisions, you might feel as if these relatives are ruining your relationship. Dating or marrying someone whose family is challenging to deal with can slowly erode your connection and self-esteem, creating tension, misunderstanding, resentment, and frustration in your union. To resolve these persistent and detrimental issues, the best approach entails effective communication.

Signs Your Partner’s Family Is Ruining Your Relationship

While you probably intuitively know if your partner’s family is ruining your relationship, here are the telltale signs that it’s happening to you.

Constant Consultation with Family

A large indicator that your significant other’s family has a negative impact on your relationship is if your partner needs to consult them before making any decision—both big and small. “This can show up as never being able to make choices on their own without needing their parents’ input,” says certified dating and relationship coach Adelle Kelleher. When these decisions concern your relationship, such as moving to a new neighborhood or choosing the right preschool for your child, you might feel as if your partner doesn’t trust your judgment, which can deteriorate your connection.

Prioritizing Family’s Input Over Yours

Similarly, if your significant other continuously seeks out and listens to their family more than you, that’s a sign that their relatives are ruining your relationship. “If your partner’s family has a more important voice in your relationship than you do, that is a recipe for disaster,” Kelleher says. Having your loved one prioritize their parents’ advice on whether they should change careers while disregarding your own, for example, can feel isolating and upsetting. This doesn’t mean that their family can’t have any say at all, but for a partnership to work and thrive, you need your loved one to value your opinions and insights, too.

Feeling Neglected

If your partner doesn’t push back when their family oversteps, you might feel like your relationship is a second priority. “When your partner fails to set boundaries with their family or prioritize your needs over theirs, it can leave you feeling unsupported and neglected,” says Lewis-Jah.

Exclusion from Family Events

Feeling left out of your partner’s family gatherings, whether it’s being overlooked at your nephew’s birthday or not getting the invite at all, can wear away at your romantic relationship. If it’s coupled with your significant other’s failure to stand up for you, then you’ll feel especially unsupported and unseen.

Frequent Conflicts

Another major sign that your partner’s difficult family is ruining your relationship is if most of your interactions with their relatives result in arguments or tension. This will understandably make you dread attending functions with your significant other’s family. Without authentically communicating your perspective, your partner could easily become annoyed with your attitude, leading to unnecessary fights.

Communicating About Difficult Family

If one or more of the above signs ring true for you, in order for your relationship with your partner to heal, you’ll need to express your point of view and voice your concerns to them. Otherwise, your significant other won’t know how their family is affecting you (or if they’re affecting you in the first place). Since it can be difficult to initiate and have this conversation, here are some expert tips to guide you.

Choosing the Right Moment

Since this is a sensitive topic, there’s a right time and place for it. Avoid starting the conversation when your partner is distracted by checking emails or watching TV. Lewis-Jah suggests initiating the conversation when both of you are calm and undistracted.

Use “I” Statements

When discussing sensitive topics, words matter. Instead of making generalized statements that could make your partner defensive, use “I” statements. For instance, rather than saying, “You always make me feel unsupported when your family is around,” you could express, “I feel unsupported when you take your parents’ side over mine.” This approach focuses on your feelings, making your partner more receptive to listening.

Stay Focused on the Issue

It’s easy to get sidetracked by past grievances or make hurtful comments during heated discussions. However, this can harm your relationship more than help. “Frame your communication around how the issue impacts you personally, highlighting its effects on the relationship rather than dwelling on perceived flaws in your partner’s family members,” advises Lewis-Jah.

Listen Attentively

After sharing your thoughts, allow your partner to respond and listen attentively. “Allow your partner to share their perspective without interrupting or dismissing their feelings,” Lewis-Jah suggests. “Validate their experiences even if you disagree.” This approach fosters a more constructive dialogue.

Finding Solutions Together

Conclude the conversation by working together to find a solution that addresses the issue. This might involve setting boundaries with family members or developing strategies to manage interactions better. Collaborating on solutions reinforces your partnership and shows mutual respect and commitment.

Addressing Issues Directly with Difficult Family Members

If you’ve discussed the matter with your partner and setting boundaries hasn’t worked, you might feel inclined to talk directly to the problematic relative. If you do, follow these guidelines:

Remain Calm

Even if you’re upset, getting worked up will only worsen the situation. Stay calm and patient, even if provoked. Lewis-Jah recommends keeping your tone neutral and avoiding conflict escalation.

Express your feelings in a constructive manner. Sharing your thoughts and concerns openly can prevent misunderstandings and reduce internal stress.

Assert Your Boundaries

Clearly communicate your boundaries with firmness and consistency. “Assertively communicate your boundaries with firmness and consistency,” Lewis-Jah says. “Clearly articulate what behaviors are acceptable and unacceptable in your interactions with them.”

Use “I” Statements

Focus on how the behavior affects you instead of accusing them. This can prevent escalating conflicts. For example, say, “I feel uncomfortable when…” instead of, “You always…”

Consider Their Point of View

Allowing the other person to share their perspective is important. Listening actively can help de-escalate tension and find common ground. This approach not only shows respect for the other person’s views but also opens up the possibility of understanding their position and emotions better. By engaging in this way, you can foster a more cooperative and peaceful interaction, which can lead to more effective and harmonious resolutions.

When to Reconsider the Relationship

In some cases, persistent issues with a partner’s family might indicate deeper problems in the relationship.

Repeated Boundary Violations

If your partner and their family continually disregard your boundaries, it may erode trust and undermine your sense of agency. Repeated violations suggest that the relationship might not be serving your well-being.

Unresolved Conflict

Continuous denial of the problem or minimizing your feelings can damage your self-esteem and mental health. Persistent unresolved conflicts might indicate deeper underlying issues that need attention.

Presence of Abuse

Any form of physical or emotional abuse is a clear indication that it’s time to end the relationship. Emotional abuse can be just as harmful as physical abuse and may involve behaviors like gaslighting or denial of mistreatment. These actions can significantly impact your mental health and well-being. Recognizing these signs and taking steps to protect yourself are crucial. Seeking support from trusted friends, family, or professionals can also provide the guidance and strength needed to leave an abusive situation.

Conclusion

Navigating the complexities of dealing with a partner’s difficult family requires effective communication, setting clear boundaries, and sometimes seeking professional help. Maintaining individuality, fostering mutual respect, and addressing issues constructively can help strengthen your relationship despite external challenges.