Age gaps of around three years are common in relationships, but many people today are open to dating someone significantly older or younger. These relationships, often referred to as May-December romances, involve a notable age difference between partners—usually a decade or more. Marriage and family therapist Brittany Jenkins describes these unions: the older partner is likened to “December,” symbolizing winter and later stages of life, while the younger partner is compared to “May,” representing spring and new beginnings.
While partners close in age often share more commonalities and similar belief systems, you might wonder if relationships with significant age differences, such as May-December romances, are sustainable. The answer is yes, these relationships can be long-lasting, but they come with certain challenges, according to therapist Brittany Jenkins. The differing life stages of the partners can lead to more conflicts, particularly when making major life decisions. Research indicates that the likelihood of divorce increases with the size of the age gap: a 5-year difference raises the risk by 18%, a 10-year difference by 39%, and a staggering 95% increase with a 20-year age gap.
These statistics don’t apply universally, and if you’re looking to sustain your May-December relationship, it’s important to understand how to navigate the unique challenges of dating someone much older or younger. To help, therapist Brittany Jenkins offers insights on what to consider and how to manage the dynamics of such a romance. Keep reading for detailed guidance.
The Difficulties Encountered in May-December Relationships
Being in a relationship comes with its own set of challenges, and being in a May-December romance often introduces unique issues that other couples might not encounter. If you and your partner have a significant age difference, you’ll need to learn how to handle various life transitions effectively, particularly since you’re likely at different stages in your lives.
“A significant challenge in May-December relationships is the differing life stages of the partners,” explains therapist Brittany Jenkins. “As the older partner approaches phases like retirement, faces health challenges, and deals with the loss of peers and family, the younger partner is often in a period of personal growth and exploration. This disparity can make it difficult for the younger partner to fully empathize with and support the older partner’s experiences. When combined with social pressures and typical relationship stresses during challenging times, these differences can sometimes lead to a breaking point.”
Another challenge in May-December romances is the social stigma, particularly affecting older women who date younger men. “While relationships between older men and younger partners are often more socially accepted, older women with younger men face greater societal scrutiny. This can affect both their social lives and the dynamics of their relationship,” notes therapist Brittany Jenkins. She also mentions that older women in these relationships tend to initiate divorce more frequently. However, it’s important to remember that each relationship is unique, and the specific challenges one couple faces may differ from those encountered by another.
Ways to Fortify Your May-December Relationship
Looking for tips on how to make your May-December relationship successful? Here, we outline seven strategies to overcome the age difference and enhance your connection in such partnerships.
Discuss Expectations
While relevant to all relationships, understanding your partner’s expectations is especially crucial in May-December unions where age differences can lead to varied life perspectives. For instance, a younger man might not be ready for children immediately, whereas an older woman may not be interested in marriage. “Effective communication about finances, life planning, and having a supportive network concerned with their well-being is essential,” notes Jenkins. From the beginning and throughout the relationship, openly sharing and discussing expectations can help prevent misunderstandings.
Embrace the Differences
Given the range of interests and viewpoints, it’s likely you’ll experience various differences with your partner. A notable distinction in May-December relationships is being at different life stages. One partner might be enjoying the stability of a well-established career, while the other could be in the thick of career development. Rather than pushing your partner to adapt to the lifestyle demanded by your current stage, support their journey and collaborate to build a life that accommodates both of your needs.
Understand That Maturity Varies
If you’re the older partner, it’s crucial to regard your younger counterpart as a fully mature adult, rather than someone you need to educate, shape, or mold. “The older partner should ensure they see their younger partner as an equal, not as a child-like figure,” Jenkins advises. This perspective is essential as treating them as lesser can lead to feelings of being controlled or marginalized, which often escalates to conflicts and potentially a breakup. Conversely, if you are the younger partner, steer clear of labeling your older partner with terms like “boomer” or “old-timer,” or suggesting that their views are outdated. Maturity should not be measured solely by age.
Find Common Ground
Narrow the age gap by concentrating on shared interests. Engaging in activities you both enjoy can make the age difference feel less significant. For example, socializing with each other’s friends from different generations can be enriching and affirming for both partners. “Couples should emphasize finding common interests that provide joy and strengthen their bond, especially if it’s a hobby integrated into their daily lives,” Jenkins suggests. By exploring new experiences, meeting diverse people, and immersing yourselves in each other’s worlds, you can deepen your connection.
Make Room for Independence
Balance is crucial in any relationship. It’s important to carve out time for yourself, for recharging and reflection, and to maintain your own friendships or enjoy activities that your partner might not share. Preserving your individuality within the relationship is as vital as building shared interests and experiences.
Confront Uncertainty
Don’t let the age difference become an unaddressed issue. Instead, proactively discuss any concerns—whether they’re related to age or not—and collaboratively seek solutions that both of you can agree on. Effective communication is essential and plays a central role in maintaining the health and vitality of your relationship, just as it does in any partnership.
Avoid Attributing All Issues to the Age Gap
If you find yourselves frequently arguing, it’s likely not just due to the age gap. A strong emotional and physical connection is crucial in any relationship, irrespective of age, gender, or cultural differences. Be confident in your choice to be with someone older or younger, and recognize that, like any partnership, there will be ups and downs. These challenges aren’t inherently due to the age difference.